I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
