Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
