Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
