Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
