they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
