I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My ass is underappreciated
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
