he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize