Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
