Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
