You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just had sex on a roof
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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