Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
