I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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