There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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