so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Still dying that you shit outside
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
