bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
