MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
