I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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