so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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