i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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