Your dad touched me again.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
