Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
