I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
