I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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