he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
