Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
