That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
