Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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