So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
being pregnant is like rehab
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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