Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
