Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
