I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
