you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
