He uses pillows to masturbate.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
