I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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