i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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