You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
