Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
