New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
