Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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