I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
