If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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