Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize