Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was born a porn star she said
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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