I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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