ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
