just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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