Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
