I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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