Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
