Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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