If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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