So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
