He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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