Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
