i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
