ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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