I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
