"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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