how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
