watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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