Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
