It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
