My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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