i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
